Transmissions from the Dreaming

People Change, Time Moves On, And Beetles Die Soon Forgotten Deaths

February 23, 2010 at 5:03 pm (Uncategorized) (Apology, Beetles, Damn, Dead, Failed Attempts, Forgotten, Funeral, Honest, life, love, Maturity Rising, Mistakes, Real, sleep, Thank you, True, Twitter Travels, write, wrong)

Do you remember when the world was innocent?  When things were easier, less complicated, more fun, and all around…  Better?  I suppose it wasn’t all that long ago that people consider this time to have existed.  ‘What changed?’ you ask, as if the answer isn’t obvious enough, though I suppose a reflection only knows it’s a reflection if you move out of the mirrors view.  Perhaps you’ll wake up one day…?  No…  Wrong again, Mr.  Smoke.  Does the world really have to be so cold, lonely and lost in the giant koi pond, and probably eaten by the fish only to be confused for a jelly bean later by some innocent, ignorant, youth.  You.

You changed, World.  We all did.  When we worked as hard as we could, and pumped all that we were into the tubes that were the internet, we found that we ourselves became hollow and empty as the Last Great Coca-Cola bottle, found in a sand bank in some horribly foreign desert.  Perhaps we put too much of ourselves online and the only thing we can do to regain that loss, is to get it all back.  To create new memories, images, realities, to allow ourselves to trancend this black hole that we’ve created in the name of Human Advancement.  Maybe I’m wrong, maybe not.  I feel like I’m right, but that doesn’t really mean much.  It may even just re-inforce the saying that only a fool believes his own word.

I feel a fool though.  Like some great jester, thrown into the game too late to make much a difference, but all the more being goaded and poked and ordered to sing, dance, and make funny.  Fuck this ‘make funny’.  I want my life back.  I lost too much of it in the beginning due to bad, irrisponcible decisions and now all I’ve got is regret and experience.  Hell, I never used to regret anything until I stepped onto the internet.  Perhaps that’s why it came as such a shock when it all came crashing down around me.  The flimsy bits of a world disconnected, and the utter, final, ball breaking Truth of it all;  I’d fucked up and there was no turning back.  It sorta felt like getting kicked in the crotch while at the same time having to give oral sex to the most un-hygenic elephant you can imagine.  Sure, his name was BuhBuh.  That’s just a little of how it felt, but the kicker to it all was that I felt that I deserved what had followed, and to some extent, I still do.

But I suppose this is where I need to draw the line and just move forward.  I can’t always stay in the past and regret actions that in the long run, taught me a lot more than success ever would have.  I have met wonderful people, and regardless of how our relationships are nowadays, I feel like these people are still wonderful for showing me something that I’d never seen before.  To each and everyone of you that stood by us on our Twitter Travels Hindenburg, I thank you, from the  very bottom of my soul and body and whatever else you’d care to add.  I can’t impress this point enough.  I am grateful and only feel gratitude for your acts of charity and Trust.

I realize that we broke that trust, but for the most part, I feel this was my mistake to address as of this Post.  I can’t imagine my life without finding Twitter, the Twitter Travels journey, or any of the people I met while on the Road in search of The Truth and the American Dream.  What Jack and I forgot and lost amongst the empty beer glasses and half smoked cigarettes was that we were fucking LIVING the dream.  We were doing EXACTLY what we had been searching for the entire time and no one could have taken it away from us, save for the very people who’d ran all the way, pants half down, ready for a bit of action and a real chance to prove just how mature we were.  -laughs-  I look back on that person that I was, and who I am now and I almost want to hug myself.  I love myself for what I’ve become and I hope you all understand that this is more of a final goodbye to the past than an apology though it’s that as well.  I know that none of you would have done what you did to help us get where we were going had you not HONESTLY believed we could do it.

Thank you for believing in us.

Regards and Au rovior until I can figure out where to start with the repairs,

Scarab aka Kandle Smoke

The Thoughtful Writer, once more holding the pen…

[Written in one go, with no editing, and no second thought.  Let's hope it's not the dagger that I'll find has killed me in my sleep.  Hail Caesar.]